Welcome to my Moonbox: a gathering of musings, learnings, and aspirations held (perhaps, sometimes only briefly) by the many expressions of me, Sarita.

From the desk:

CW: grief

I attended a wedding recently, the weekend before last. The grand room was of course dimmed down. Silverware and napkins and water glasses and cocktails were touched, held. It was time for the groom to dance with his mother.

I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t watch. A few people nearby seemed to notice my head turn away, my face pressed with pain. Patrick hovered his close to mine, arm rubbing my back as he repeated over and over, “It’s okay.” I was embarrassed. I wanted to honor my feelings, but, damnit, not here, not now.

It is always difficult to watch a mother and her child, especially in the context of love. This mother, now aged, smiled and swayed, pressed her child with words and gestures, and my brain began to analyze what it was seeing in the way that it does, is supposed to. And just like when someone yawns, suddenly your brain is mirroring the world. I understand this tension, your jaw seems to say, and you yawn. Even typing about yawning has made me yawn.

But yawning is not quite the same as responding to something lovely with grief, so this analogy has probably failed, just as I failed to hold onto love at a formal table in a public space. At my wedding, my mother was just a picture, I thought. And yet it was no longer just a thought. It was a frown, a ruffled forehead, the tips of my fingers digging into my napkin. It was the shudder of my water glass amid the music and the curious looks of others.

I dislike when I cannot control how I react to something. I dislike when I cannot be amicable, or at least numb, in the celebration of someone else’s mothering. But, if I’ve learned anything over the years, love and grief are often the same thing.

The other day, while dolefully scanning my Instagram feed, a post from Rachel Cargle, a writer, entrepreneur, and advocate, snagged my attention. Probably because the first three words were, “Grief is a miracle…”

“Grief is a miracle in the way that you never knew you could cry so much. In the way that you now see that anger and heartbreak are made up of [the] same raw material. It’s a miracle in that you never knew memories had secret hiding places, revealed only once she’s escaped the physical plane. It’s a miracle in that the sound of her laugh could find a home in your own mouth, making a simple night on the couch watching sitcoms with a lover into a wake. Grief is a miracle.” – Rachel Elizabeth Cargle

Her post recalled to me Mary Oliver’s poem about the loss of her partner, Molly:

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

“The Uses of Sorrow” by Mary Oliver, from Thirst, 2007. Beacon Press.

Perhaps this is all to say that grief is indeed a sudden, yet protracted phenomenon, just like love. It is a miracle because it is something extraordinary, is it often unexpected, it is an outstanding example of surprise. It cannot be predicted. It cannot be called upon. It is not wholly reliable. It exists outside time and logic, yet it is also, often, a byproduct of both. It is divine because it is beyond truly knowing, and because it is something we cannot control. It is a response to a world that only ever seems to be constantly happening. But it also instills us with the agency to become self-aware, to act in, for, and because of love or sadness. It tests us, asks of us. Oh yeah, it says. Don’t you remember, it asks. There is tension, it speaks. Yes, things happened. To her. To you, it knows.

The month of Mother’s Day is a testament to any and all motherly grief, and I am not alone in this. I somewhat spin within the notion that there is so much grief in this world, it has been/become its own miracle-making force.

But grief, like any miracle, is not a permanent state. It is a starting place. It is a thunder. It is a wash of hurt that is gone before the beat of the next song. It is an obligation to look back, remember. It is a deepness from which to better approach love. It is an excuse to get up and dance. It is one of the many glasses of water you sip from as you, maybe not so simply, live out your life.

[Related: Moonbox Notes #14]

Life updates: We’re under contract to buy a home! It’s about 30 minutes east of downtown Durango. Yes, we’re excited, but it will also be a lot of work. The home needs a lot of TLC. But it’s a good place to start. If all goes well, we’ll be closing on Tuesday, June 20th. Fingers crossed.

And since the house will need a lot of work, in addition to me just being older and wanting security, I have been actively looking for better career opportunities. I would like to continue to pursue my creativity and writing but in a more stabilized context (vs merely freelancing). The scope of work I do for OutdoorGearLab is shrinking, alarmingly. This spring they don’t have any update work for me, and I am truly surprised. Because of 2020, and the pressure for companies to trim down the scope of their work (& contracts), I can no longer see OutdoorGearLab as a reliable (albeit seasonal) source of income. I need to reimagine what I want. I need to be open to new opportunities.

As some of you know, I also work part-time for Gravity Lab, the new climbing gym in Durango. This has been an excellent solution for our transition to Durango, but I do want to find something related to writing to put more of my time into. And by writing, I must say that I prefer meaningful storytelling work, not listicles or terrible click-bait content. Of course, the inner dreamer in me also wishes I could just be picked up as a sponsored athlete, so I can focus on my writing and running in the ways that truly invigorate me. If you’re reading this and have ideas or opportunities regarding what I’ve mentioned above, leave a comment below, DM me on Instagram, or fill out the form at the bottom of my Adventure Resume. If you need examples of the types of writing I enjoy doing, peruse my Portfolio. Gracias.

La Vida Mundial:

I’ve been enjoying reading Eric Olson-Getty’s newsletters, Runarchism. He recently shared two excerpts from a sci-fi work in progress, and I obviously want to know more! But I also value his social and political analyses. He is very active in choosing anti-racism and conceptualizing his whiteness in the context of this liberation. A great example of this is in his piece, “Liberation is for White People, Too.” I highly recommend reading his thoughts and stories.

Deaf mountaineers make history by summiting Chomolungma (Everest). Shayna Unger and Scott Lehmann reached the summit on May 22nd around 6 A.M. local time. Their team, hired through Seven Summit Treks, was led by Jenjen Lama and included Migmr Dhondup Sherpa, Mingma Dorchi Sherpa, and Mingma Tenje Sherpa. To highlight the context of this feat, the article states, “For Deaf mountaineers, the challenges include communication barriers, a lack of deaf representation, and limited access to mountaineering information, education, and opportunity. Oftentimes, mountaineering courses aren’t taught in ASL, or there are no mountaineers or guides who are Deaf to learn from.” Congrats!

The North Face finally made an expedition suit for women. I’m actually appalled that this wasn’t already a thing for them. I just assumed so. Wow! 2023…

Reflections on Native Americans and Memorial Day, by Levi Rickert. “They fought for freedom when they weren’t even citizens of this country,” writes Rickert. In the context of all that has happened on Turtle Island, this is just so heartbreaking to read. But history is important to understand, and in healing from historical trauma, Rickert stresses the importance of remembering the fallen as a key part of that.

HBD to all May birthdays!

Recent Top Pick Reads:

(I’ve been doing much more book reading recently, so this section for article reading has suffered. And that’s ok!)

Books/Mags on the Shelf:

+Song of the Hummingbird by Graciela Limón

+Thin Places: Essay from In Between by Jordan Kisner

+Deluge by Leila Chatti

+Creative Nonfiction Magazine, Issue 76, Winter 2022

Recent Listens/Watchings:

+ “Monte: Can’t Stop. Won’t Stop,” Patagonia Films, YouTube, May 24, 2023. A short film highlighting Monte Cosby’s coming-to-biking story in Richmond, Virginia, and at his college in North Carolina — in addition to how he seeks to introduce others to the sport that look like him.

+ “Shining Mountains,” The North Face Films, YouTube, May 19, 2023. A short film that discusses the disappearance of glaciers from Montana’s Glacier National Park, showcasing TNF athletes as they journey to reach hard-to-access glaciers. What they find is “equal parts urgent and inspirational.”

+ “Sea to Sky Trail Series – Creating Space,” Arc’teryx Films, YouTube, May 19, 2023. A short film that speaks to being unapologetic for taking up space as people of color and how growing local communities are important, particularly in outdoor recreation spaces, as spoken by Jojo Das.

+ “The Land is Ours, Guest Guarina Lopez,” The Last Tenth Podcast: ordinary runners doing extraordinary things, Episode 13, Season 4, May 6, 2022. Host Pilar Arthur-Snead interviews Guarina Lopez about childhood, artistic practice, and of course, running.

Writing/Projects: (updates are highlighted)

+ “When We Visit,” a short creative nonfiction essay for Campfire Stories Volume II anthology. The anthology is now available for purchase. A recording of me reading this piece is on my Instagram.

+I currently have one general submission in the ether. I’ve submitted a previously-published essay to an essay contest (where this is allowed). The purse is $3k! The winner and runners-up will be announced in October.

+The hybrid essay I wrote in 2021, “Chuckwalla,” still needs some major revision before I consider submitting again. I’ve begun another research/writing phase as well.

+I’ve begun a new short fiction piece with a temporary title of, “How I Came To Be.”

+My online writing course with Orion Magazine, “Writing Resilience through Our Relationship with Wildness,” has been postponed until September 2023 due to the instructor having a family emergency.

+I have a Science Fiction novella that I’ve been slowly working on since 2017.

MISC/Brags:

• Hmm. My relationship with stress has been intense lately, mostly due to our home-buying search, the context of capitalism and the current market, general finances, general lack of productivity, running injury flare-ups, etc etc etc. BUT, I will take this moment to celebrate all the new friends we’ve made here in Durango. They have literally been the motivation to stay here and to not just run away to somewhere else (which wouldn’t help us financially, mentally…). So THANK YOU, FRIENDS.

Thanks for tuning in to Sarita’s Moonbox.

Happy Spring!