Welcome to my Moonbox: a gathering of musings, learnings, and aspirations held (perhaps, sometimes only briefly) by the many expressions of me, Sarita.
From the desk:
“Hey,” repeats the man in the wheelchair. He’s wearing an orange shirt and I catch his eyes. He points at me. There’s a white-haired woman named Caroline and she’s beautiful. I imagine what she might have looked like when she was young—all the more stunning, I have no doubt. When I myself wonder about “old” age it often isn’t about what I may look like but about whether I’ll even make it that far.
“This is my granddaughter,” my grandpa announces. Everyone’s brains are heavier than their mouths in this room. They all look at me. Some of the men stutter, some laugh nervously. My grandmother thought it would be healthy for grandpa if I came to one of his group speech-therapy sessions.
The caregivers do most of the casual talking, but nurse Arlene leads the group with questions and has the patients read from sheets of paper. I watch grandpa carefully craft each word in his mind. He tediously wraps his lungs, throat, lips, tongue around every shape of sound. When he finds himself stuck, he glances to his wife for help. She is forever his way out, or in. Upon this raft that is his tender and nebulous mind, he has given her the oars. Paddle, please, his eyes seem to beg.
The room swims with the subtle or not so subtle sadness that is disease, trauma, circumstance. I remember when grandpa didn’t slouch, when he’d tell jokes, eat pickled pigs feet, speak his native tongue to the gardeners that care for his landscaping. He still laughs, of course, but it feels so rare. My husband once told that silly dog joke about a bulldog and a shih tzu. Grandpa laughed so hard it was as if, for a brief moment, the curse of being a stroke victim had broken. Humor will always be what seems to soothe what cannot be said.
We celebrate tongues shaping words because we can, but the truth is that many of these people may never become “better.” Grandpa never did, even years later. What was it really like inside his head? I imagine he felt trapped. I imagine he dreamed boisterous dreams. A few weeks after he passed away, I dreamt about him. He was talking my ear off and I had to interrupt him to calm him down. When I woke, I wrote down something he'd said. It surprised me because it had nothing to do with being able to speak again. “I was holding your hand,” he told me, “and suddenly I was a part of everything.”
The hardest, grandest, most emotional moments have no words. When nurses wheeled me to my hospital room after surgery, my husband met me at the door. I began to cry; I was so happy to see him. All I wanted was to reach for him, to hold those everything hands.
Life updates: Surgery! Everything went well. Everything I wanted to happen, happened. I woke up. I already had implants. The implants were on top of my pec muscles. I still had my nipples. Check, check, check, check. While I didn’t ask to go bigger, the implants are technically bigger than my boobs were, and they are obviously a different shape. My athlete mind automatically went to: shoot, will I still fit into all of my sports bras??? I have yet to determine the answer to this.
Pathology went through the breast tissue that was removed and found nothing but benign structures. This was the other thing I wanted to check off the nightmare list. No hidden cancer. CHECK.
Two weeks post-op, my nipples are still alive and healthy. My four drain tubes were approved to be removed according to schedule. Check, check.
Four weeks post-op, there is still swelling but it has diminished significantly. My arm mobility has also greatly increased. The drain tube exit holes and associated suture sites have scabbed up nicely. Milestones these past weeks have progressed from being able to wipe my butt to being able to dress myself to putting up my own hair, to cooking and washing dishes, to being able to sleep without the wedge pillow, to being able to do light mobility and strength exercises, using the spin bike, going for longer and steeper walks, putting on my own shoes, putting on my own deodorant, putting on my own seatbelt…
I still can’t safely drive, but I look forward to hitting that milestone next. Only two weeks left until my next post-op appointment, where, in theory, I will be cleared to return to running and any and all normal activities. I am overwhelmed with excitement for how well the surgery and recovery have gone and I cling to the hope that everything will continue without any snags. While my motivation to return to my athletic career is beyond quantifiable words, I have been met with a lot of rejection and/or silence from brands about partnerships. A part of me feels rather self-conscious and sad about having to undergo this surgery in the midst of trying to appeal to brands, and I have no idea whether or not it has affected my hireability.
I have no idea what will become of this career that I want so bad. When all first choices have turned into dead ends, to what point do I go for the sake of partnership? Do I go with whoever will take me, even if I don’t necessarily align with their ethos? Do I invest in myself once again, risking going into debt for the sake of this career, just so I can maintain my desires and resume? How long can I sustain that? Will I ever be good enough for the brands I’d like to work with?
There are many days I feel like I’m having an existential crisis. Not only has my body been physically changed in a very drastic way, but I hold so much anxiety about how effective I’m being at pursuing my own dreams. There is so much rejection and obstacle in these realms. The film festival I thought we had been accepted into to premier our film has told us that there actually isn’t room for us.
People always say when there’s no room for you, make your own room. Yet, this feels exhausting, and it requires a lot of resources (time, money)…but, I do know that I will never give up on pushing through. At some point this year, the film will premier, be released. At some point, I will meet the right brand and the timing will be right and they will believe in me and I will be able to be the athlete they also so very want and need. At some point, all of this sacrifice will make sense.
[Previous: Moonbox Notes #27]
La Vida Mundial:
To be honest, I don’t even want to dive into this section. There’s just too much. But, nonetheless…
Forbes | Trump Administration Cuts And Chaos Start To Affect Job Market
NPR | Courts block Trump’s DOGE actions — chaos, panic not proving to be best legal strategy
NBC News | Trump stands by national security adviser Mike Waltz despite disclosing military plans, saying he’s ‘learned a lesson’ (how forgiving when Republicans wanted to throw Hillary Clinton in jail for something similar)
All At Once by Dr. Len | Manifest Destiny 2.0: Trump’s Greenland Gambit
HBD to all Spring birthdays!
Recent Top Pick Reads:
+ “All Ecology Is Queer,” by adrienne maree brown and Amy Ray, art by Elsa Tomkowiak, Orion Magainze, Keystone Story, Spring 2025 Issue. A conversation between Ray and brown about what queer ecology means, what it takes to dismantle the status quo, and to undefine what humans see as traditional or relational to the earth when the rest of nature does not agree.
+ “On Letting the Universe In,” by A. Kendra Greene, Orion Magazine, Recommendations, March 11, 2025. A lyrical and creative pondering on the wisdom and life of stray cats, and how impossible it can be to bear witness. This online piece is an excerpt from Greene’s book, No Less Strange or Wonderful: Essays, 2025.
+ “Streams” by Marcos Reyna, Hippocampus Magazine, Essays, November 11, 2024. A neatly formatted essay of brief vignettes depicting loss, beauty, and the sounds of life that seem to follow, or braid, our psyche.
+ “Natural Unselection,” by Christy Lynch, Creative Nonfiction Magazine, Sunday Short Reads, unknown date. Lynch writes about being someone who does not desire to have kids in a world where the messaging and even our museum displays are constantly catering to the opposite sentiment.
Books/Mags in progress:
+ wife | daughter | self, a memoir in essays by beth kephart
Recent Listens/Watchings:
+ “The Finisher: Jasmine Paris and the Barkley Marathons,” by Singletrack, YouTube, March 20, 2025. A documentary about the incredible story of Jasmine Paris who set out on a multi-year journey to prove race director Lazurus Lake wrong.
+ “Martha,” by Netflix, 2024. A well-done documentary about Martha Stewart’s life, the context of society she grew her business within, and how she rose to overcome one of her greatest obstacles: jail.
+ “To Scale: TIME,” by To Scale:, YouTube, May 23, 2023. A short film about one person’s determination to present the time scale of the history of the universe and humanity in a more visually digestible way, set along a dry lakebed in the Mojave Desert.
+ “From El Capitan to Everyday Triumphs: Steve Bate’s Journey from Medals to Meaning,” by The Alchemy Pod with Karen Darke, Apple Podcasts, Episode 1, August 28, 2024. Speaker, author, adventurer, and paralympic champion, Karen Darke interviews Steve Bate, the first visually impaired person to solo climb El Capitan and who is a renowned paralympic cyclist. Darke and Bate discuss the philosophy of accomplishment and how Bate personally learned to navigate life with deteriorating eyesight.
Writing/Projects: (updates are highlighted)
+My film project: We are nearing a final cut and hope to submit to film festivals soon. Our inquiry to 5Point Film Festival was ultimately declined.
+I currently have 1 general submission in the ether, a flash nonfiction piece for CRAFT Literary.
+The hybrid essay/memoir I wrote in 2021, “Chuckwalla,” still needs some major revision and writing.
+I have a Science Fiction novella that I’ve been slowly working on since 2017.
MISC/Brags/Swag:
- HUGE SHOUTOUT to all those who helped with my surgery process/journey. Whether you came out physically to help take care of me, donated money, sent flowers, a card, texted me, messaged me, etc. YOU ARE ALL ROCK STARS AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Your help made this so much easier.
- I owe a highlight/spotlight dedicated to the Keep A Breast Foundation — keep an eye out for a shoutout soon.
- Fenix Lightning sent me two headlamps for my L2H endeavor, and they also provided me an affiliate link and discount code for you to receive 10% off! Enter AFSARAA at checkout.
Thanks for tuning in to Sarita’s Moonbox.
¡Feliz primavera!
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